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Tuesday, April 22, 2014
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Oleh : Zubaidah Ningsih AS
Sebuah tulisan hasil reportase setelah mengikuti workshop parenting di Annual Australian Islamic Conference 10-12 April di Melbourne University. Pembicara adalah Sister Monique Toohey, salah satu staff Mercy Mission Organization yang ahli di bidang pendidikan anak dan keluarga. Jika ada salah2 grammar dan spelling itu semata2 krn saya bukan native english, ini ditulis in English karena beberapa ibu murid TPA PBrunswick bukan dari Indonesia. Selamat membaca..semoga bermanfaat
The source of this blog is the workshop with the same title presented by Sister Monique Toohey from Mercy Mission organization (http://mercymission.org.au/index.php?q=home/main). The workshop held in Melbourne University, Melbourne Australia in Annual Australian Islamic Conference at 10-12 April 2009.
Family is the back bone of the community.The changes in the community is depend on the family changes itself. If a child used to respect their parents, they will bring this behavior in their school life and furthermore to the wider society life. Hence, it is very important to build up our family since it will bring the responsibility for the change needed within community.
The basic things that should be done in the early marriage (or even in the pre-marriage stage) that both husband and wife set the goal of their marriage life. Will the family put religion as the basic aim? education? wealth? togetherness? or something else. Here, both husband and wife need to discuss the aim of their marriage so they will work hand in hand to achieve the aim. It is very important that the parents understand and can identify the aim of their marriage life. And if the parents already set the aim, they can asses whether the children already understand clearly about this goal. If it is have not understood well, parents should make it clear so their children aware and understand the goal of the family. From this process, a family will have a same direction which will make them easier to determine the color of the family.
As the soul is the main part of a human being, it is very important to put more attention to the development of the soul. These are some important aspects that can be applied in the family in order to develop the soul :
1. tawheed expressed within and outside
2. beliefs that manifest specific values and ways of being
3. life is sacred and ultimate satisfaction lie in the spiritual rather than material realm
4. betterment of self, others and the world
5. critical for mental and physical health, psychological strength and coping ability
6. resilient : respond to crisis and grow through it.
In the marriage life, off course the process to achieve that goal will not as easy as it seems. Many misunderstandings, miscommunications and differences that will rise during the process. Below are some tips presented by the speaker in dealing with problems in family :
1. put more effort to solve the problems with non emotional approach which will make us more objective to see the problems. Explain the problem and the steps how to overcome the problem
2. beware of the filter that already implanted in our mind since it will prohibit us to listen to other people
3. do as many as possible fun activities within the family that will help balancing the emotional bank accounts. The bank account is like a credit and debt balance. Once you do a good things to the family member, you will put more deposit to your account. And when you make other family member disappointed, you will reduce your deposit. If you have enough deposit, your partner or child will still have positive emotional deposit that will make them forgive you. If your deposit is low, there might be a chance that your family will not accept as good as it is expected when you make a mistake. To make you always have a deposit in your emotional bank account, then you have to put more and more deposit in it. The way you raise your deposit :
- listen to your family members attentively
- speak clearly of your objection and disagreement
- try to always make clarification if there is some disputes
- take responsibility for what is communicated
- make a joke
- playtime
- generate a positive energy (respect, appreciation, hug, kiss)
- commitment to family time
Flourishing the family can also be done in these ways :
1. build a strong love relationship between husband and wife
2. there is a stable and consistent authority in the family. If a father is the head of the family, he is the one who has the authority. However, a mother can have a previous discussion with the father so they will have one voice in front of the children. Here, the children will learn about the respect in the family rule that will make them respect the rules in the society. And also they will learn about leadership
3. there should be adjustment in family rules as the children are growing. This will make a good communication to accommodate the needs of the children that changing as they grow.
4. there should be a reciprocal action between the familiy members.
As for parents, it is very important to know that children do as they see, not as they are told. It means a parent should be aware of everything they've done since example speaks more than words. How you behave with your children is how they will behave with you. What you are not getting from them, they are not getting from you.
Children learn from their parents marriage. A full of love parents will teach them how to love each other. Their parents love life will affect their later love life. To bring up a child with a good character, a parents should be aware not to compare one child with other child. And also parents should have a strong deposit of children strength that will build up their confidence.
Setting a boundaries is also a crucial things in family. If parents don't apply boundaries to their child, they will become a insensitive and self centered person. The boundaries will help children to control their life and also to help them understand the certain action that might be inappropriate for them. The children will learn to say no as they get a wrong treatment since they know the boundaries between a bad and good action.
Through their development, their understanding of consequence is different.
1-2 years = a time of bonding between a child and parents
1-3 years = a child understand "no" and "yes". If they got unpleasant reaction from the parents, they will feel uncomfortable. That will teach them that their parents dislike their action. While if the parents give a smile, hug or kiss, they feel comfortable that they learn their parents pleased with their action
3-5 years = the children start to understand consequence. they understand reward and punishment
6-11 years = it is needed to put restriction of friendship freedom and a need of balancing time between family and friend since at this stage friend become an influential party in their life
12-18 years = give the space to the children to responsible to their acts. this is the stage where parents do the de-parenting where it is the time to let the children become what they are. It is suggested that parents see the child more like a friend to make a good communication environment with the children.
Setting a boundaries might be difficult since parents sometimes put sympathy to the child rather than empathy. The children are given a lot of choices but also given the consequence of their choices.
Some tips in helping your children grow :
1. live what your children want to learn
2. make boundaries
3. cure their fear and make communication
4. don't reinforce non expressive of feelings, pay attention to the body language
5. don't get in the middle, let the children cope with their problems to make them tough
6. teach them to say no
Some good books about parenting can also become the reference for you:
1. Boundaries with Kids (by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend)
2. What Children Learn from Their Parents Marriage (by Judith P. Siegel)
3. Shaping Excellent Character (I could not find the author, but I find this link that might be useful http://khalifahtraining.com/khalifah-product.html and http://www.islamic-world.net/mkc/non_muslim01.htm)
Melbourne, 8 June 2009
Salam
Sebuah tulisan hasil reportase setelah mengikuti workshop parenting di Annual Australian Islamic Conference 10-12 April di Melbourne University. Pembicara adalah Sister Monique Toohey, salah satu staff Mercy Mission Organization yang ahli di bidang pendidikan anak dan keluarga. Jika ada salah2 grammar dan spelling itu semata2 krn saya bukan native english, ini ditulis in English karena beberapa ibu murid TPA PBrunswick bukan dari Indonesia. Selamat membaca..semoga bermanfaat
The source of this blog is the workshop with the same title presented by Sister Monique Toohey from Mercy Mission organization (http://mercymission.org.au/index.php?q=home/main). The workshop held in Melbourne University, Melbourne Australia in Annual Australian Islamic Conference at 10-12 April 2009.
Family is the back bone of the community.The changes in the community is depend on the family changes itself. If a child used to respect their parents, they will bring this behavior in their school life and furthermore to the wider society life. Hence, it is very important to build up our family since it will bring the responsibility for the change needed within community.
The basic things that should be done in the early marriage (or even in the pre-marriage stage) that both husband and wife set the goal of their marriage life. Will the family put religion as the basic aim? education? wealth? togetherness? or something else. Here, both husband and wife need to discuss the aim of their marriage so they will work hand in hand to achieve the aim. It is very important that the parents understand and can identify the aim of their marriage life. And if the parents already set the aim, they can asses whether the children already understand clearly about this goal. If it is have not understood well, parents should make it clear so their children aware and understand the goal of the family. From this process, a family will have a same direction which will make them easier to determine the color of the family.
As the soul is the main part of a human being, it is very important to put more attention to the development of the soul. These are some important aspects that can be applied in the family in order to develop the soul :
1. tawheed expressed within and outside
2. beliefs that manifest specific values and ways of being
3. life is sacred and ultimate satisfaction lie in the spiritual rather than material realm
4. betterment of self, others and the world
5. critical for mental and physical health, psychological strength and coping ability
6. resilient : respond to crisis and grow through it.
In the marriage life, off course the process to achieve that goal will not as easy as it seems. Many misunderstandings, miscommunications and differences that will rise during the process. Below are some tips presented by the speaker in dealing with problems in family :
1. put more effort to solve the problems with non emotional approach which will make us more objective to see the problems. Explain the problem and the steps how to overcome the problem
2. beware of the filter that already implanted in our mind since it will prohibit us to listen to other people
3. do as many as possible fun activities within the family that will help balancing the emotional bank accounts. The bank account is like a credit and debt balance. Once you do a good things to the family member, you will put more deposit to your account. And when you make other family member disappointed, you will reduce your deposit. If you have enough deposit, your partner or child will still have positive emotional deposit that will make them forgive you. If your deposit is low, there might be a chance that your family will not accept as good as it is expected when you make a mistake. To make you always have a deposit in your emotional bank account, then you have to put more and more deposit in it. The way you raise your deposit :
- listen to your family members attentively
- speak clearly of your objection and disagreement
- try to always make clarification if there is some disputes
- take responsibility for what is communicated
- make a joke
- playtime
- generate a positive energy (respect, appreciation, hug, kiss)
- commitment to family time
Flourishing the family can also be done in these ways :
1. build a strong love relationship between husband and wife
2. there is a stable and consistent authority in the family. If a father is the head of the family, he is the one who has the authority. However, a mother can have a previous discussion with the father so they will have one voice in front of the children. Here, the children will learn about the respect in the family rule that will make them respect the rules in the society. And also they will learn about leadership
3. there should be adjustment in family rules as the children are growing. This will make a good communication to accommodate the needs of the children that changing as they grow.
4. there should be a reciprocal action between the familiy members.
As for parents, it is very important to know that children do as they see, not as they are told. It means a parent should be aware of everything they've done since example speaks more than words. How you behave with your children is how they will behave with you. What you are not getting from them, they are not getting from you.
Children learn from their parents marriage. A full of love parents will teach them how to love each other. Their parents love life will affect their later love life. To bring up a child with a good character, a parents should be aware not to compare one child with other child. And also parents should have a strong deposit of children strength that will build up their confidence.
Setting a boundaries is also a crucial things in family. If parents don't apply boundaries to their child, they will become a insensitive and self centered person. The boundaries will help children to control their life and also to help them understand the certain action that might be inappropriate for them. The children will learn to say no as they get a wrong treatment since they know the boundaries between a bad and good action.
Through their development, their understanding of consequence is different.
1-2 years = a time of bonding between a child and parents
1-3 years = a child understand "no" and "yes". If they got unpleasant reaction from the parents, they will feel uncomfortable. That will teach them that their parents dislike their action. While if the parents give a smile, hug or kiss, they feel comfortable that they learn their parents pleased with their action
3-5 years = the children start to understand consequence. they understand reward and punishment
6-11 years = it is needed to put restriction of friendship freedom and a need of balancing time between family and friend since at this stage friend become an influential party in their life
12-18 years = give the space to the children to responsible to their acts. this is the stage where parents do the de-parenting where it is the time to let the children become what they are. It is suggested that parents see the child more like a friend to make a good communication environment with the children.
Setting a boundaries might be difficult since parents sometimes put sympathy to the child rather than empathy. The children are given a lot of choices but also given the consequence of their choices.
Some tips in helping your children grow :
1. live what your children want to learn
2. make boundaries
3. cure their fear and make communication
4. don't reinforce non expressive of feelings, pay attention to the body language
5. don't get in the middle, let the children cope with their problems to make them tough
6. teach them to say no
Some good books about parenting can also become the reference for you:
1. Boundaries with Kids (by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend)
2. What Children Learn from Their Parents Marriage (by Judith P. Siegel)
3. Shaping Excellent Character (I could not find the author, but I find this link that might be useful http://khalifahtraining.com/khalifah-product.html and http://www.islamic-world.net/mkc/non_muslim01.htm)
Melbourne, 8 June 2009
Salam
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